October is pregnancy/infant loss awareness month. In hopes of honoring The Lord and our little, “angel baby,” I have written about my little family’s story. I hope you never forget that you are not alone in the joys and trials you face in life.
On January 23rd, 2016 I married my best friend, Clay. I spoke the following vow before The Lord, “I, Sallie, take you, Clay, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy word, and this is my solemn vow.” Clay did the same for me, as his wife.
I am so thankful for this amazing union. Just 9 short months later, Clay and I have experienced so many beautiful blessings through the joyous times. We have also experienced blessings through challenges and hard times that we never dreamt we’d face as newlyweds, or even years down the road. I want to share a little bit of our story so that others know that they are not alone.
Immediately following our honeymoon, Clay and I took a leap and moved to Texas. Oh, we missed family, but we had so many new and exciting experiences that we got to enjoy for the first time ever as husband and wife. It feels so good to finally live life together-boy, am I a happy camper! We found a church in town and started making new friends. In April, we were settled into our apartment and new lives in Texas when we decided to take another leap! We decided to start trying for a baby.
For those of you who are close to me you probably know that it has always been my dream to be a wife and a mother. We were so excited on May 21st to find out that I was pregnant with a beautiful itty bitty baby.
You probably also know that I am a dreamer. Immediately, I had so many beautiful visions dance through my head. Clay and I learning if our baby was a boy or girl or even twins; shopping for all the baby necessities; being pregnant alongside my best friend, Maria; getting to come up with a creative Halloween costume with my big belly (believe me, I’ve always wanted to do that!); coming home for our first married Christmas being as big and Jolly as Santa Clause enjoying one of the best Christmases ever! Finally, I would envision the birth of our beautiful baby on a cold January day or night around the time of our first wedding anniversary.
Our beautiful tiny baby remained a secret to most at this point. We were planning on announcing to everyone at the 12 week mark. On what will remain one of the happiest days of my life, my dear brother’s wedding day, I started experiencing spotting. It was so terrifying, but I also learned that it happens to a lot of women who have perfectly healthy babies. Our families prayed with us. Although I fell short and had moments of worry, deep down, I knew that God had a plan.
When we arrived back in Texas, my doctor saw us immediately. Clay and I prayed and prayed, and had the most incredible blessing of seeing our little baby’s heartbeat through a sonogram. A very short time after that, the bleeding increased, and around the 8 week mark, we knew we were having a miscarriage.
This is something that neither of us had ever dreamt would happen. Sure, we thought of the chances of having trouble getting pregnant, but never that we would lose our baby once we were pregnant. We were heartbroken.
Up until this point we had been praying so much to God for a miracle. When I learned that it was a miscarriage, I just knew in my heart that, even though I didn’t know why we lost our sweet little one so soon, God had his protective and loving hands on the situation. It gave me great peace to know that even though our baby didn’t have any more time on this Earth with us, he or she would be in even better hands than my own, away from the brokenness of the World. I also knew that God knew what He was doing in our lives; that He would take care of us during such a fragile time.
My beautiful mother came and cared for us for a few days and the few family and friends who knew about the situation, including our new Sunday school class, showered us with love and prayers. In fact, my sweet Sunday school teacher, Carla, shared her heart with me, as well as a verse that will forever change m y life.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
God has provided me with such a peace during such a challenging time that can only be explained through His love. Oh, we cry and mourn, but our hope still remains. I still get sad thinking of the plans I had for myself, especially thinking about how far along I would be and holiday family time. I am quickly reminded though that God is in control. He gets to see the big picture that we cannot see. His plans for my future and the future of my family are far greater than I can imagine. He knows the ways in which this time will shape us. I pray that He is strengthening us and opening doors to love on others in ways that we could not or would not have done without having lost a child of our own.
I want others who may experience a loss like ours to know that even with the hope in my heart, the times following the miscarriage were not smooth sailing emotionally. We still felt pain and mourning. Still to this day I get hit with waves of sadness, missing our baby. One of the changes that took place in me during the time of mourning was a great shyness. I LOVE people, but I was finding myself feeling shy around my new friends here in Texas. I hadn’t felt that way before around them. It was a new awkwardness that I felt internally. I had this strange fear that I would forever be awkward around both adults and the sweet babies that I once constantly itched to hold and love on. Thankfully, as God is teaching me and strengthening me, I am drawing away from these feelings. I am so thrilled to finally get back to feeling like myself around my new friends and getting to know them. To our Rockwall Sunday School and Bible Study group- you are all such a blessing!
Clay and I continue to long for a baby, and we pray that it is in the Lord’s plans for us. What a joy it was to get to experience being parents of such a beautiful blessing. If you feel led, please join us in praying for a sweet, healthy child in God’s timing, and for patience in the meantime.
My dear friends and family, you are not alone, no matter the struggle. I want you to know that you can always come to me, but far more importantly, if you truly seek God with all of your heart, I believe you will find a dear friend who is the King of comfort and peace. Thank you for reading my story. Love and blessings to you all.
This is me and Clay with our friend Maria’s baby, Chiara. We love the pure joy of this photo and love her so much. We can’t wait to hold our own one day if it’s in the Lord’s plan.
3 thoughts on “You Are Not Alone – guest post”
I am so very sorry to hear about you and Clay and the loss that you have had. Words cannot express how very sad I am, but I know with God’s love you will have beautiful children together. I hope that you two find peace within your loss, and I pray for both of you, to recover from this, and can maybe move on. I am sure your first child will always have a place in your heart. Peace be with you two, I love you both!!
Oh sweet Sallie I know just how you feel. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage much like yours. I ached for sometime longing to hold a baby of my own. I too knew this was God’s plan but mourned the loss untill I became pregnant again. I still after all these years mourn the loss of all 3 of my miscarriages. I now have mourned with my son and his sweet wife as they struggled with infertility for 5 years. I am thrilled to say we are going to welcome a new grandson into our family in Dec. Your time will come and you will cradle your own sweet baby. My prayers and thoughts are with you at this time. Love Louise Taylor
Very moved and inspired by your sweet words and strong faith! My prayers are with you both each and every day!